RUMS Rugby

The last Wednesday of the first RUMS term. For some, a fairly benign day, a few lectures, maybe some casual beers in the evening, all in all a lovely day out. However, for many, this is a hallowed day in the RUMS calendar. This was Bill Smiths.

The morning was tense and excitable. Sainsbury’s stock soared through the roof as the great and noble men of RUMS purchased their port and other beverages (but mainly port). The day was a chilly affair, with a strong wind, yet port jackets were already being readied in preparation. Both teams met on neutral regent’s turf at around half past 1, and the excitement was building as both teams warmed up and went through final preparations. It had all come down to this- the boat races, the strawpedoes, the videos, the shit chat (Rea I still maintain that you are a smelly pirate hooker). Kits were readied with the freshers raising the first cheer of the day from a huge crowd when they revealed their rather beautiful blue and yellow number (credit to Tim Cobb) as referee Bogle called Will and I in for the toss.

The fresh kicked off. Time stood still as the ball spiralled high into the air, was collected and the game had begun. The match started at a frantic pace with both sides looking to throw the ball around and try things. However in the first 20 minutes it was clear who was more up for it. The fresh brought an intensity that had not been seen before. Tackles flew in as the more physical 2^nd years tried to impose themselves, but simply couldn’t.  Bairdy cheerfully wandered the pitch destroying anyone who came near him as the fresh didn’t let up their intensity.   

The 2^nd years launched their big runners into the fresh midfield, but Rufio and Dele threw themselves into tackles  as if their lives depended on it (turns out Rufio broke 2 ribs. This was healed on the pitch by doctor Foster administering a healthy dose of port).  Soon the deadlock was broken. Will Monks had looked dangerous at fly half for the fresh and he fed Rufio who quickly shifted it on to Dele who shrugged off Nally like he wasn’t there and was away. No one could get near him as he sprinted the length of the pitch to touch down. Burtie the kicking second row lined up a tricky conversion and narrowly missed. 5 big points for the fresh.

The second years tried then to target the players who didn’t usually play rugby- Holden ploughed into Geev and James, both footballers by trade and probably half of Holden’s weight each. He found himself slammed into the turf as the fresh simply didn’t let their intensity drop. Now the fresh had possession and were causing real trouble. Burtie and Classic Andy were everywhere,  2^nd year fly half Will Rea couldn’t get a grip on his opposite number Will (usually a wing) and the 2^nd try looked to be coming. My word did it arrive in style. The fresh were in a purple patch and once burtie took a flat crash pass the gap was opened. Alex came streaming up from full back and hit the hole at full speed, stepped the full back and placed the ball down. Another tricky conversion but this one was calmly slotted by Burtie to put the fresh into a healthy 12 point lead.

The 2^nd years finally managed to get their game in gear and began hitting some powerful lines and making some half breaks. Soon the 2^nd years were camped on the fresh line with 10 minutes of the first half to play. Jazz hit a powerful line (something he had been doing all game) but was repelled by Tim, and then Ramy found some space on the outside and looked certain to score yet mistook the 5 metre for the try line and inexplicably jumped to the ground thinking he’d scored. However, the 2^nd years were patient and worked the ball back before Holden picked a good line and despite our best efforts there was no stopping him slamming the ball down over the line for their first points.

After a pretty open and frantic first 30 the game descended into a tighter affair as a bit of tiredness set in. Neither side was backing down, yet there was still more to come as the first half drifted to a close. A scrappy ruck in the middle of the pitch was hastily cleared by Geev and Will picked up before being smashed backwards. The ball was hotly contested and squirted out of the side. Attempting to shift the ball on I fell over but somehow managed to find Dele (even if the ball did roll to him I’m counting this as an assist), who looked up and found only the open field ahead of him. He did what he does, and that is run. He arced around Suroosh at full back and touched down under the posts. Burtie slotted the conversion and that was half time.

The break was a chance for both sides to clear their heads and get some water on board, mainly to dilute the alcohol that had been administered at regular intervals in the first half.

The 2^nd years took the kick off for the second half. Meanwhile, Bogle had grown tired of reffing sober (who doesn’t) and was now tucking into the port with just about everyone else. The kick off was taken and sadly Ash couldn’t take a clean catch from a kick off that just crept over the 10 metre line. The fresh were turned over at the ruck and Nally crashed through the line basically straight from the kickoff. He was brought down just before the line but it was clear the Fresh had dropped their game and Will Rea took full advantage, picking a superb line of the base of the ruck after sprinting in from 10 and smashing over the line. Suddenly the score was 19-10 just after half time and even though the conversion was missed it was clear that shit just got real.

It was time for people on both sides to stand up and be counted. The 2^nd half was not of the same class as the first but it had now become a gritty tight affair. Jazz continued to work hard in the loose for the 2^nd years forwards, Holden was always threatening and Captain Will Rea at some points looked like he was going to win it all on his own. But stars shone through in the freshers side as well, with everyone contributing. Will Kenworthy on the wing made some powerful hits and strong runs as the backs continued to threaten when they had possession and the forwards fought for everything and tackled their hearts out.

The clock ticked down and with 15 minutes to go Holden was able to smash over again from a very similar possession to make the scores unbearably tight at 19-15. Another conversion was missed but now as the game entered the last 10 the tension was unbearable. Both sides brought on subs and no one shied from the challenge. Rufio burst into some space but couldn’t find the pace to beat the cover. James Cohen found some space on the open after a superb offload from Nally but a double tackle of Kenworthy and Alex halted him in his tracks.

With 2 minutes left to play it looked as if the fresh had secured it with a scrum in the 2^nd years 22. But a series of penalties changed everything and suddenly the Fresh were camped in their own half facing a penalty. The ball was once again passed to Holden who crashed into our line. The 2^nd years tried to set up some decent field position with a few pick and drives but the fresh fought for everything and simply wouldn’t give up. The ball came loose from a ruck and Cohen picked up before he was tackled into touch.

This was our time. Burtie, lineout maestro extraordinaire called burtie ball (guess who that goes to) and took it. He calmly popped down to geev, all geev had to do was kick it out, but no, in true Bill Smiths spirit he decided to pass to will at fly half. It wasn’t the greatest pass aimed towards will head (who in geevs defence is a little on the short side) and time stood still. The second years were pouring through, all the fresh could do was watch. Will, credit to him calmly took it and hoofed the ball into touch.

The final whistle went.

The age of the double loser second years is over, the time of the fresh has begun.

A message to our Old Boys:

Hello! We’re very keen to strengthen our links with our past players. We will be in contact with you soon about a new directory or old members, but for now, we hope you enjoy this Old Boys Midseason Report.

The autumn of the year of our Lord, 2011 found a hallowed group of RUMS warriors setting out on a quest. Unperturbed by danger, discomfort or having to wear very silly helmets, they embarked upon a great crusade to Munich. With the Excalibur coach for a steed, a wind-milling gang of bloody lads ventured bravely into the barren wilderness that lies outside the M25. Sadly, they were accompanied on their journey by a clingy coven of damsels, who insisted on having every beery need attended to for the entirety of the journey.

With much billowing of capes and smoothing of moustaches, the knights of RUMS set about their willing with all the poise and stoicism one would expect from such an impressive bunch of Lionhearts. In the depths of night, Brave Sir Leatherby and Sir Wilson found themselves surrounded by the infatuated fresher sirens. Luckily they preserved the presence of mind to willy their way out. As the night drew on, the men maintained an almighty onslaught, purging the fresher damsels of their sins, and quite a bit of stomach lining as well.

The men awoke in a bright munich dawn, surrounded by happily dribbling damsels in the depths of contented sleep. The giant, acromegalic damsel Holden, went for a piss in a bush and promptly fell asleep in it. Knowing the perfect remedy, Sir Trendy stepped forth and woke him up with a ‘splash of water’. After some hours of shouting at confused German taxi drivers, the knights of RUMS arrived at great carnival of beer and pooing yourself -Oktoberfest. The fair lady Parsons took this opportunity to nestle herself amongst her ketchup and gnaw at her chicken in the deepest sleep, stopping only to retch and shiver. Hilarity ensured.

The men knew the end was near. With fervent anticipation they charged through the crowded streets, stopping only to reel in some shit bag damsels who had grown weary of the whole expedition and tried to run away. Before they knew it, there it was, rising through the clouds like a shining beacon, the golden crown of Hoffbrau – the Holy Grail. The men revelled in their victory, prosting, boozing and felling a mighty beast with snuff. The damsels finally let their hair down, throwing their underwear across the crowded beer tent with abandon. The knights of RUMS were very aroused.
The night was completed by giving some unusually good looking female entertainers a damned good dragoning. The lady Parsons was beset by a German man, as he was engaged in some unsavoury activities at Kino Drei (a beast not unfamiliar to the seasoned nights of RUMS). In the end, only Sir Bogle and the fair maiden Rea remained in the club. I imagine that got pretty awkward.

The rugby 7s tournament was again blessed by the unique style of play that RUMS rugby can offer. They were beaten by a team of angry Moldovans who clearly hated every second of our company and who I imagine were playing rugby as an alternative to a prison term. They all went to one barber who only had the short back and sides and number one all over in his locker. A highlight was Sir Warriner lolloping down the wing and ‘holding his dick’ as he dived across the try line. Another was Sir Bogle calling on all his Boars ball experience and organising a seven man driving maul to secure the Boars a place in the quarter finals. The two RUMS teams met in the Plate final. It made us all sad. The good lady Kemp dislocated her patella. Luckily, the knights of RUMS have a lot in the upper arm, so were able to carry him until their return.

On the return journey, the damsels, who by now were in considerable distress, were given a thorough dental inspection, just in case their woes were due to some tooth complaint. Just when they thought they were done, they were beset by the black night, Sir Chukwulobelu who gave them all the apple juice they wanted, and quite a bit that they didn’t. Disgusted by the man’s flagrant disregard for chivalry, the minutely dicked Sir Foley stripped to his bare skin and wrestled Sir Chukwulobelu, the battle cry ‘Keeeeeyaaaah!’ ringing through the night. Blinded by duty, Sir Foley forgot to factor in the black night’s power to weight ratio and glutes, so got pinned on the floor of Excalibur in a sloshing quagmire of carling, piss and vomit.

So a good tour was had by all. The knights reached the Holy Grail, got bloody smashed and came home again.

Prost!

It was a throwback to some of the older days of RUMS rugby, with RUMS making the decision to only have a 10 minute warm up because of some interesting travel rearrangements. However the team entertained themselves on the Shenley coach trip with some cryptic geography with messieurs Foley and Ali Carr coming up with some particularly good ones (as an aside: a quaint house in a peaceful country (tube station)).

However short the warm up, it didn’t hinder RUMS in the slightest against some fairly weak opposition. Within 2 minutes Ky had darted over in one corner and only about a minute later Dele added another in the other corner. Greenwich were fairly tight around the fringes but couldn’t defend against anything RUMS did out wide. This suited RUMS down to the ground as the creative axis of Ali and Ben created space for Charlie to punch holes through Greenwich’s centres over and over again before feeding the speed of Dele, Mina and Ky out wide.

After RUMS had added 2 more tries (1 for Mina and another for Ky) RUMS took their foot off the gas and Greenwich started to gain a little momentum. Following a nice chip from their fly half Greenwich were able to get some points on the board.  However, this was just about the only blot on the copybook. Following a RUMS penalty Ky chased well, regained possession and after a couple of short pods Joey P popped up to burst through the line and score. Still RUMS didn’t let up and Mina skipped over for his second, Will Rea picked a great line to score and Charlie glided through 3 or 4 would be tackles to add another all before half time.

The game was won by half time and Captain Charlie urged us to get a little more structure in the second half but when you’re so dominant against the opposition it can be hard. Greenwich were a little more solid in the second half but RUMS just didn’t let up. Kwame sprinted from 50 yards to crash over before having to go off for a breather. Both Ky and Dele got another try for their hat-tricks as Greenwich just couldn’t cope with their pace. And to finish off what had been a rout RUMS scored a pretty special try. It began with a dominant scrum from RUMS in our own half (with a great hook from yours truly) before Holden broke from the back and popped quickly to Will. He skipped a tackle and then found Nallet in support who powered through several tackles before giving a fantastic offload to Marcus who belly-flopped over in the corner.

Final Score 71-7. A great result for RUMS but still areas to improve upon for when the bigger matches come along.

It was a game they were expected to win, so RUMS rugby stepped onto the pitch against Queen Mary’s with confidence in their strut. Despite making some good breaks through the game line, some decent tackling by QM meant RUMS stayed close but did not cross the tryline. However, our efforts were rewarded with a penalty, which narrowly missed.

Later in the first half, following a great hook against the head at scrum time, Will Rea made an excellent blind side dart down the pitch (which will not be happening during Bill Smiths) and, being tackled, was able to pop it off to the Izu ‘the Beast’ who grounded it. RUMS were over the line and finally got the points they deserved. However, it was not easy sailing- a slip on a wet pitch gifted QM a try under the posts. RUMS responded in fine style as Ali Carr ghosted through their defence, and, managing to place the ball down instead of dropping it, enhanced RUMS lead.

At half time RUMS talked about the things that had to be implemented and returned to the field knowing they had to step the performance up. We got things underway with a try by playing the rugby we wanted to: one short pod, a slightly wider pod, then wide, exploiting gaps in the defence with our explosive, swift, aerodynamic, handsome, masculine backs. The pressure continued with some excellent possessive play. Finally, the breakthrough came- at an offensive scrum on the QM 5, Will Rea noticed that their wing had left the blind open. Having lovingly spanked Charlie Holden on the arse (apparently that was enough to signal ‘to go blind’- what do these 2nd years get up to in their spare time?) Rea was able to place the ball down virtually unopposed. We will see how Michael Nally (prunehead) feels about this new bromance between Rea and Holden.

The game continued apace, with few highlights following. For some reason, the referee allowed two quick penalties in succession when the rules state the second must be slow. He bet Ky a pint he was right, but after the game was nowhere to be seen. This seems to be a case for Scooby and the bunch. Later lackadaisical defending meant RUMS conceded a try, but the victory was already won.

The best teams are never satisfied with just a win, and although we chalked up a big W this week, there is much to work on in training.